TO THE DOG.....

To be posted very low on the refrigerator door.

Dear Dog,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not automatically make it your food and dish. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. Also, it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other and stretch out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time. There is not a secret exit from the bathroom. Before you arrived in our home, I had been using the bathroom all by myself...canine attendance is not required. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

While we are on the subject of bathroom etiquette, let me say this one more time. If and when you happen to make your way into the bathroom when I'm there.....it will never be acceptable to play tug-o-war with my undies, especially while I'm sitting on the toilet and they are down around my ankles.

Love,

Your human pack member

this was emailed to me a while back. I can't remember who gets all the acknowledgements or royalties. Therefore, give your dog an extra treat and we'll call it even.